Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
