She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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