Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
