After last night, I could never be a politician.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
