im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
