I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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