How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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