last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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