i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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