we have pet lesbian snakes
my phone needs a breathalizer
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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