I can text with my tongue
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
