I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
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and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
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I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
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