i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
