Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I need moral support for this bender
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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