i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
