Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
