How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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