if you like me you must not know who I am
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
