Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
