Define "chronic" masturbator.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
