Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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