my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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