every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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