wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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