somebody snuck up and got me drunk
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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