There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
He kissed a someone with a penis
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
