just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
