Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
