Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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