And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
