so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
