i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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