how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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