I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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