You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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