The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
