Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
