some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
