I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
