If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
