Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Randomize
