VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.