I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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