did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
