What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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