last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
So much rum. So many feels.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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