Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
