I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
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