his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
