Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
