After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
We're too hungover to prance.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
