I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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