unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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