apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
