Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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