like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
