He disabled his match.com account in front of me
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
