Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
