Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
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