4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
